I haven't forgotten...

 I obviously don't write here often.  It seems life is more hectic than ever.  When I started this blog my kids were small.  Now I have teenagers, an elementary school kid, and a baby.  Life is exhausting and I barely have time to put makeup on let alone blog.  But so many years ago...11 to be exact...I came home from the hospital where I found the lack of chaos heartbreaking.  I am sleep deprived and sometimes cranky...okay frequently cranky.  I can't keep up on dishes or laundry.  The house is always in a constant state of messy.  And yet...I am so happy, grateful and when I allow myself to stop and look around...everything I have ever wanted...even while missing Declan and living with a broken heart.

I couldn't forsee this 11 years ago sitting in a wheelchair waiting for my broken body and spirit to be loaded into my car with an empty backseat.  This year I was able to leave the hospital heading to the same home I was supposed to bring Declan but this time I walked out of the hospital with Christian and my last baby.  I got into the car in the hospital parking lot and the bittersweet emotions, that always accompany me, reminded me of that other Christy who had been so battered from an emergency c-section and losing her son.  I am so grateful for her...because she often reminds me to be grateful when life starts stressing me out or I don't appreciate what I have.

Lost myself...

I tried to write in this after I had lost my confidence.  I questioned who I was and didn't know if I could keep writing feeling I was too much of a mess.  I finally stopped.  It has been two years.  I have been through a lot of self discovery.  I finally feel I can proceed.

I have loved the people I have met along my journey of grieving.  It has taught me so much and brought so many people into my life.  I am grateful for the influence Declan has been in my life.  I have been able to reach out to others in ways I never would have before.  I understand loss.  I understand grieving.  No one grieves the same.  But because I know pain...I see the world differently.  I understand when people hurt.

I am grateful for this blog.  I hope to keep writing here.  This is where I have reached out and tried to help in the only way I know how.  Writing and making blankets.

Dear Declan,

Yesterday was your brother's birthday.  It was a great day.  We had cake and sang "Happy birthday," several times.  Everything was as it should be...except you weren't there.

Your absence has been very hard for me.  But it had been really hard for your brother.

He was the age you would be now, when you died.  It was heartbreaking to see him struggle.  For over 5 years now he has tried to sort out your loss.  It has been a rough road.

It took me a long time to see how deeply it affected him.  I should have figured it out sooner.  Initially it was easy.  He was sad and I could see it.  But as the years went on it was subtle.  He just had a hard time with things...unrelated to you.

I see now he just was trying to process in his own way.

You were his little brother...the brother he had been hoping for a long time.  You were to share his very cherished room.  He allowed you in his heart and it broke when there was no little brother sleeping in the crib across the room.

It wasn't until your little brother came along that he started to open up.  "I didn't realize how much we missed with Declan until Ollie was here."  He said it over and over.

I know you watch over your big brother.  I know his pain means a lot to you.  I know that he is special to you.

I look at my little family and always picture where you would fit in.  So many little boys I should have running around.  The hole you left was huge.  You would bridge the gap that your little brother trails.  You would be home to play with him.  You would be trouble helping him get into things.  You would make everything different.

I am starting to realize that this will never end.  I will spend a lifetime mentally placing you here...because you aren't here.  I will picture all the accomplishments as they should come.  I will mourn this fall when you were to start school.  I will mourn the day you should graduate high school.

Our family was forever changed when you came and left so quickly.  We were never the same.  We looked the same: two parents and two children...until your little brother came.  But nothing would ever be the same.  We were hurting.  We had to learn to navigate life with broken hearts.  We had to learn how to be there for each other.  We had to learn how to love you in Heaven.  We had to learn that we can be happy and hurt at the same time.  Everything our family does together always comes with a bitter-sweetness.

Thank you for being there for your siblings.  Thank you for giving us hope in dark days.  Thank you for helping me when no one else could.  I know you were a gift to us from Heaven.  You are our beacon of light to guide us through this life.  We are better for having you in our family.

Love always,

Mommy

5 years...

It's coming...

...another birthday.  I never know how it will be.  Sometimes the days leading up to it are harder than the actual day.  Other times I am caught off guard how hard it is on the actual day.

I've been very anxious the last few days.  I'm sure I am worried how the day will be.  I'm usually way too concerned how the day goes.  I want it to be special.  I want Declan to know how very much we love him.  I want to have a peaceful day, but I don't want it to seem I'm okay with him gone.

All in all, I'm a huge mess.  I have conflicting emotions that pull at me.  It isn't very fun.  But I'm hopeful it will be still a fun day.

I can't believe it will be 5 years on Monday.  When he first died I had friends where I am now...how did I get here?  It was so fast.  I had him, he was gone, we had a funeral, and now it has been 5 years.

Helpless...

I have been going to a lot of non-stress appointments the last few weeks.  For those that don't know what those are, they are just a way to monitor baby.

I was waiting for my appointment yesterday.  My kids were goofing off in the waiting room.  I was telling them to calm down when someone caught my eye.

A tear-streaked woman being escorted by a nurse into the fetal monitoring office.

My heart sank.

I wanted to run over to her and hug her.

I didn't even know what was wrong, but it couldn't be good.

I sat and ached for her.

The last few appointments I have had nurses tell me I was the only good result that day.  I was speechless.  So many women having a hard time!  I had expected to be one of them.  Each test they come in and tell me my baby is doing great.  I almost don't believe them.  How?!  Then I think, well this time.  I know better.  Things can go from great to disaster in a moment.  One appointment Declan's heart was fine, the next...it wasn't.

I am so grateful things are going good so far.

My heart just hurts as I see the panic and worry on some of these mother's faces.  I remember that feeling as I waited to be seen after I had heard Declan's terrible hummingbird heartbeat.

As I sit in the non-stress tests whenever his heart beat goes up the slightest, my heart quickens.  I can't help it.  My eyes dart to the monitor and I watch as his heartbeat returns back to normal.  It is hard to resist the panic even though everything is going fine.

It is hard to feel no control over my body and what it is capable of accomplishing.  I told Christian last night how hard it is to be a mother and pregnant.  Our bodies house these special souls and when your body betrays you and doesn't take care of your child it is hard not to feel responsible.  But I know these things aren't in my hands and I have to let myself off the hook.  I'm doing all I can, there isn't more I can do.

Butterflies...

I have been away from the blogging world for quite a long time.  After getting super sick with this baby, I just haven't had the energy to get on the computer much.

Life has not been easy by any means.  I am very blessed that this baby has been able to stick with me through so much.  I am not sure how he is still here with the mess that is me.

This pregnancy has given me so much.  I have felt a peace with Declan's passing I wasn't expecting.  But I also have tapped into the anxiety of how hard doctor's appointments are for me.

A month ago I had an appointment and completely broke down during it.  My current doctor delivered Emmy, but didn't deliver Declan.  He forgets what happened to me.  I have to remind him, which is hard, but I do understand he has a lot of patients.

Even though I am going to a completely different office and nothing is remotely the same, I can't help feeling the nervousness.  I was a wreck the rest of the night after my appointment.  The next day I was bawling all day and couldn't stop.  As I draw near to birth of this baby, I worry.

What if it happens again?  How will I do it again?  How am I going to do all these appointments?!

I am now doing weekly appointments starting at 32 weeks.  My doctor is trying to take every precaution...which I appreciate.  But that means walking through that door every week praying that his heartbeat won't sound like a hummingbird...like Declan's.

I also have non-stress test appointments every week starting 32 weeks.  So that's two appointments a week...yikes!

It is completely worth it.  I've done this before with Emmy.  So I know I can get through, but I am so nervous I can't breathe some days.

I don't want to rush this pregnancy.  I want to enjoy it, but I have gestational diabetes and that just makes this all so complicated.

So much of me wants February to be here.  I almost feel as though I've been holding my breath for weeks.  Thanksgiving was fine, but I found myself relieved it was over.  I worry Christmas will be that way for me too.  I just want to know.  Will he come home with me?  Or will my heart shatter again?

I cried in the car yesterday telling Christian that I can't turn it off.  I can't be reasonable about this...love isn't reasonable.  I can't just stop caring about him.  I am attached...I dream of holding him and looking into his baby eyes.  I imagine resting my cheek against his as I inhale his amazing baby scent.  I can't help worrying that will be taken.

Every time I worry I haven't felt him move much, I stick my hand on my tummy and he starts to kick...as though he is telling me, "I'm still here!"

He finds my hand wherever I rest in on my pregnant belly.  I have never had a baby do that before.  I feel he is trying so hard to reassure me.

I know I will make it through this.  I know I will be so grateful for every moment I have with him.  I know that even though my pregnancies are super rough they are worth it...even with Declan.

I am very blessed to have two living children.  I will be very blessed to have a third living child.  I am even blessed to have an angel baby.

Struggles...

I have been absent for a long time.  My silence was due to challenges I was facing personally.

I had meant to get the button up for donations...that did not happen.

Life has been rough and is still getting rougher.

I will try to get things going with Declan's blankets again.  I'm not donating on his birthday anymore...that day I want to reserve for just my family from now on.

But I will try to get a donation together soon.