Helpless...

I have been going to a lot of non-stress appointments the last few weeks.  For those that don't know what those are, they are just a way to monitor baby.

I was waiting for my appointment yesterday.  My kids were goofing off in the waiting room.  I was telling them to calm down when someone caught my eye.

A tear-streaked woman being escorted by a nurse into the fetal monitoring office.

My heart sank.

I wanted to run over to her and hug her.

I didn't even know what was wrong, but it couldn't be good.

I sat and ached for her.

The last few appointments I have had nurses tell me I was the only good result that day.  I was speechless.  So many women having a hard time!  I had expected to be one of them.  Each test they come in and tell me my baby is doing great.  I almost don't believe them.  How?!  Then I think, well this time.  I know better.  Things can go from great to disaster in a moment.  One appointment Declan's heart was fine, the next...it wasn't.

I am so grateful things are going good so far.

My heart just hurts as I see the panic and worry on some of these mother's faces.  I remember that feeling as I waited to be seen after I had heard Declan's terrible hummingbird heartbeat.

As I sit in the non-stress tests whenever his heart beat goes up the slightest, my heart quickens.  I can't help it.  My eyes dart to the monitor and I watch as his heartbeat returns back to normal.  It is hard to resist the panic even though everything is going fine.

It is hard to feel no control over my body and what it is capable of accomplishing.  I told Christian last night how hard it is to be a mother and pregnant.  Our bodies house these special souls and when your body betrays you and doesn't take care of your child it is hard not to feel responsible.  But I know these things aren't in my hands and I have to let myself off the hook.  I'm doing all I can, there isn't more I can do.