Yesterday was your brother's birthday. It was a great day. We had cake and sang "Happy birthday," several times. Everything was as it should be...except you weren't there.
Your absence has been very hard for me. But it had been really hard for your brother.
He was the age you would be now, when you died. It was heartbreaking to see him struggle. For over 5 years now he has tried to sort out your loss. It has been a rough road.
It took me a long time to see how deeply it affected him. I should have figured it out sooner. Initially it was easy. He was sad and I could see it. But as the years went on it was subtle. He just had a hard time with things...unrelated to you.
I see now he just was trying to process in his own way.
You were his little brother...the brother he had been hoping for a long time. You were to share his very cherished room. He allowed you in his heart and it broke when there was no little brother sleeping in the crib across the room.
It wasn't until your little brother came along that he started to open up. "I didn't realize how much we missed with Declan until Ollie was here." He said it over and over.
I know you watch over your big brother. I know his pain means a lot to you. I know that he is special to you.
I look at my little family and always picture where you would fit in. So many little boys I should have running around. The hole you left was huge. You would bridge the gap that your little brother trails. You would be home to play with him. You would be trouble helping him get into things. You would make everything different.
I am starting to realize that this will never end. I will spend a lifetime mentally placing you here...because you aren't here. I will picture all the accomplishments as they should come. I will mourn this fall when you were to start school. I will mourn the day you should graduate high school.
Our family was forever changed when you came and left so quickly. We were never the same. We looked the same: two parents and two children...until your little brother came. But nothing would ever be the same. We were hurting. We had to learn to navigate life with broken hearts. We had to learn how to be there for each other. We had to learn how to love you in Heaven. We had to learn that we can be happy and hurt at the same time. Everything our family does together always comes with a bitter-sweetness.
Thank you for being there for your siblings. Thank you for giving us hope in dark days. Thank you for helping me when no one else could. I know you were a gift to us from Heaven. You are our beacon of light to guide us through this life. We are better for having you in our family.
Love always,
Mommy
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