Knowing...

I was just finishing my workout when a song came on that took me right back to the time right after Declan died.

I inhaled and picture myself running.

Tears welled in my eyes as the song seemed to speak only to me.

I love that song!

It reminded me there is still a lot of life to be lived.  The pain was crushing me, but love would heal me.

Strange looking backward.  I felt so helpless and so lost.  I thought I would never get where I am now.  The long nights of anguish seemed endless...until the monstrous pain stopped growling all the time.

Soon it was every day...only not so painful.  I would feel relief...only to have the monster return with vengeance.

I was so frustrated with myself.

Why couldn't I handle this better?!

This song echoed my thoughts.  It, like many songs, gave me hope.

It seems a strange song to run to...since it is beautifully slow...but it kept me going.

The fast songs wouldn't last long.  My energy would wane and suddenly I was having to dig to the deepest recesses to accomplish my run.

The song pushed me forward, when I just wanted to give up and say, "I'm not going to make it!"  Both in my runs and in life.

(Safety Suit- Life Left to Go)

The monster is not yet gone, but not my constant companion either.  How wonderful it is to realize that!

Loving life again...

I knew the day would come when I started to feel like a normal person.  It was inevitable, but there were times I doubted.

I thought my life would be a sum of tears and road-blocks.

Diving in the deep recesses of my heart and mind I started to sort.  What was going to help me?  Self-doubt?  Self-loathing?  Fear?  I knew what to throw out.

I reminded myself I have the right to be happy.  I was placed here to succeed, not to fall into an unclimbable abyss.

I had to take a hard look at myself and what I wanted...then love myself for it.

I had to forgive myself for all that I had to do to stay afloat...mere survival.  I had to ask my husband to forgive me for falling apart and pulling away.

Then I looked where to start.

Me.

What in the world did I want?

I had to start with the basics.

I wanted my husband...always!

How would that happen?

Love him...leaving nothing to chance.

I wasn't going to hope we survived together...I was going to fight for it every single day!

He would never wonder if I loved him...I was going to assure him each day!

I remembered how deeply I wanted to be with him before we were married.  I had received resistance from others, but it didn't stop me from knowing he was everything I wanted and what I would fight for.

So the battle began...I brought out my weapons of love.  We would make sure this marriage was as strong as I could possibly make it.  The saying giving 200% hovered over my thoughts.

What else did I want?

I want my kids to know I love them.  I want them to know how much I want them to be happy in this life. 

Patience! 

I needed to be patient with myself as a mother, but also not throw up my hands in defeat wondering if that was the best I had.... 

I know it isn't.  I have so much to learn and hunger for the knowledge of becoming the best mom I am equipped to be.

Then what?

I wanted to enjoy the little things....

Just laughing more than I don't.

Loving each day...excited what it will bring...instead of wondering how in the world I was going to get through it.

So how in the world do I do that?

I had been trying for two and half years!

I felt it was there, but a fog was keeping it just out of reach.

There is no way to do alone...in my experience.

My faith in a Savior and God is the only way.

I tried it alone.  I would fall on my face every time.

It got to the point I was on my knees sobbing to God.  Telling Him as my Father that I would not make it. 

I knew at that moment when the rush of love came...I was doing it wrong.  I needed to have a Father/daughter relationship with him.  Go to Him with everything...even things that I didn't even think to talk to him about...because I thought it was too trivial.

A fire lit inside me.

I will be stronger than I ever would or could be before.  But not because of anything I was doing, but He who makes all weak things strong if we allow Him.

It was then I realized my life was going to be good...no Great!

Declan's departure would enhance my experience here...not cloud it.

It seems silly, but starting with simplistic desires was my way back to knowing how to navigate the rest of my life.

I don't have all the answers.

I guarantee I will still fall on my face occasionally when I forget my course. 

But I do know I have a patient Heavenly Father who will never stop reminding me of the person We both want me to be and will always love me.

Race for grief...

I have a love/hate relationship with running.  After Declan died I ran to keep sane.  I honestly don't think I would have survived if I hadn't run those first few months after he was born.

It was hard.

Many days I felt my body would break.

But it felt like I was accomplishing something hard.

I have given up so many times.

This year I want to run a race that is dear to my heart.  I love all the causes that I have run for...but this one celebrates the reason I run.

I run for Declan.

I don't know why, but I feel closer to him when I run.

I feel close to Heaven as I run.

It is something my body doesn't want to do, but I am so proud when I accomplish it.

This run is a 10k.  I haven't done one in about two years (this summer).

Cross your fingers I can hold out during training.

Click here for the website.

Changes...

My house is crazy with boxes and items leaning along the walls.  I have filled in all the holes and chips and now all I need to do is paint.

It is strange to see my house this way.

There is a lot of my heart that is going to miss this place.

I will miss Bryce's room that supposed to be Declan's as well.

I will miss my room where I spent many days missing Declan.

Along with all that though, I am going to be grateful to be free of it as well.  It was really good for me to have this place.  But it is time.

I need a change to help with this process.  I supposed to stay here would keep me from that.  I know this is part of moving forward.  It hurts, but it feels right.

Moving right where we came from is strange.

It almost feels as though the last 4 years were a strange dream.  It was merely a collection of heart-ache and peace that was in my unconscious imagination.

I left to come here with a 3 year old and a baby.  I'm going back with a 7 year old and a 4 year old.

How strange.

I am going back with the same amount of kids in my car that I left with.

I thought I would definitely had another child by now.  But it is funny how different life turns out from what you envision.

Membership...

As I have watched many people join this awful club, I can't help mourning for them.

As I chatted with another member we both talked about how much we dislike getting new members.  I don't like thinking their journey is just starting.  I think of the last two years and how hard they have been and I don't want that for anyone!

As much as it hurts sometimes to see miraculous births where baby shouldn't have made it, I rather hurt thinking how much I wanted that miracle...than for them to join this terrible club.


Shortly after losing Declan, two of my friends, one who had just lost and one who had lost two years before, went out to dinner together.  There we saw someone we knew.  We told her we were in a club...that no one wanted to be apart of...the truth of that statement struck me hard.

I can't help feeling my heart is being ripped out again each time I hear of a new membership.  Memories come back.  I feel for them in this overwhelming process.  I wish I could throw myself in front of the pain - since I feel I have already been shattered.

But then I think not everything that has happened was bad.  It sounds strange, but as I pack up my belongings to move, I can't help think of all the sweet memories of losing Declan.

As much as there have been really awful times...there were an equal, or maybe more, amount of good times:

The closeness that resulted with my husband, Christian, and I.

The sweetness of my children always helping me through this.

The friendships I have made.

The understanding of loss to be able to comfort those around me.

Not taking life for granted the way I used to.

Seeing the amazing side of mankind.  I have been the recipient of incredible selflessness of which people are capable.

Seeing when my heart broke, that as it pieced together again, it had more room in it.  Declan gave me a better heart than the one I had before it shattered.

The person I am now and will be...is better.  Even through all the disappointment of my progress through this...I do see how much it took to get through those awful days.


I know giving up would have been easier.  But every time I look into the eyes of my children and feel the warmth of the embrace from my husband I know that was never an option.

I was told along the way, after confessing I didn't feel I was handling this well, that handling it at all is amazing.  I took that home and thought about it a lot.  I don't think I allowed myself to believe it until recently.

I survived.  I had days where I would snuggle in bed with Emmy all day.  I accomplished nothing in my house.  But I kept trying each day.  It took so long that I was worried that was my new reality.

It luckily wasn't.

Life is beginning again.  After so many struggles that pounded on us relentlessly, I can see how life won't be ruined because Declan isn't here and we are being very blessed!

There is a piece of me that just wants to stay here in this house and not move forward.  I like the sanctuary that I have here. As I laid in bed last night I thought of how so much of me was scared.  I just wanted to curl up here and not go anywhere.

There is so much to do.  I don't want to do all that is required to move.  I don't want to say goodbye to this phase in my life...as weird as that is.  But I also don't want to use this place as a security that I won't let go of when what is in front of me will be so amazing.  I know I would miss out if I don't take this leap.



So I pack and when my heart hurts too much I take a break.  I have time to pack, luckily.  Slowly I am detaching myself from this house, trying to remember Declan's memory isn't staying here.

As I reflect on my entrance into this "club" that I didn't sign up for, I know I was blessed to be here when I joined.

The day I woke from my c-section and told that my whole life was going to change, I had no idea how much I would need these other members.

As I sat in the hospital my mind was reeling and I remember thinking specifically about two women...who would become my lifesavers.  I honestly didn't know if I wanted to talk to them.  When my amazing friend Kami text me and gently told me her advice and asked to come see me...I was scared.  I don't know why, but I was terrified to talk to her.

I forced myself to allow her to come over.  That decision was the best one I made.  She lovingly told me things I wouldn't have thought of.  She gave me hope that I could make it through.  She offered comfort.  Most importantly I could talk about things that most could not handle.  I had been excepted with loving arms into this strange group.  We all care for one another, but feel sad that the reason we are close is because of probably the worst thing that ever happened to them.

I remembering thinking how grateful I was for my friends, but felt bad for being grateful for them...because in someway it felt I was grateful for what they had been through...which I wasn't.  I would rather their baby there, then being understood.
 
I know I would not have made it through this without the help of my friends!  I know it wasn't an accident I was here where I was surrounded with moms in different stages of grief.  I know that you will always hold a special place in my heart!

So new members, we are so sorry, but we do love you!  To everyone else our arms are open, but we are praying you will never need to be apart of our heart-breaking membership.

"Getting it"

I have had a really hard time lately with people who don't "get it."

After Declan I was shocked and surprised at who handled it well and those who didn't.

Some of the people I thought would be there most weren't and those I never expected were my biggest support.

Grief does something to people.

I had a long chat with my friend as our kids played at the park.  She has lost her dad and had many good insights.

After talking to her I realized that I need to forgive a lot of people.

I expected some very close people to "get it."  So many times I angrily shouted in my head, "Why don't you get it?!  All these other people get it, why don't you?!"

I realized recently that is too much to ask of people...even those we love.  No one knows how we truly feel.  We can sympathize and empathize, but we don't truly know...even if we have gone through the same exact thing.

It was unrealistic for me to expect people to understand...even if they went through something similar.

I had to do a lot of soul searching and forgive them for not "getting it."

It was painful to realize that my pain won't change the facts.  I realize they care, just don't know what to do with me and my grief.

I have to be grateful for those who do "get it."  It has made many relationships stronger.  It has broken a few.  And I will have to repair those and realize I can't change them.  But mostly I feel I have gained more than I've lost.

My own family has been so understanding.  We grew up knowing my dad lost his little 2 year old brother to disease and I don't know if that helped us all in empathy...but I know it did for my dad. 

My family lost a lot of people in a short time (less than a year).  Two babies and my grandpa.  Maybe that helped...there was a lot of hurting.

Over two years ago I was a very naive person...who had never suffered loss.  I had lost a dear great grandmother, but she had been widowed many years before...so I was just happy for her to be reunited with her love.  Plus I was little and didn't understand very well.

Then there was a huge break...no one died in my family until two years ago.

We lost a neighbor when I was young.  Her daughter was near my age.  I was an idiot.  I didn't know what to say...and it was always wrong.  So it didn't help me in understanding grief.

I shouldn't expect those who don't understand to, when I didn't either.

The expectation has been a heavy burden in my life...and releasing it has freed my soul.

I have no expectations for people in my grief.  I don't hide it, but I don't expect anything back.  I understand them...they don't have to understand me...maybe it's good they don't understand...because if they did...that breaks my heart.

It's okay that not everyone understands...and it makes me appreciate all the more when people do.

October 15th

I know it's strange...but since Declan's birthday is at the end of September and Christian's is in October I always forget about October 15th...pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day.

But I was very touched when I found this in my mailbox...

I am very grateful for those who remember Declan...it means so much to me!