I had to answer a list of questions for the interview. As I sat down and started to write my thoughts down I was overcome. It was strange to sit and think about the events all over again.
It felt like a terrible car accident that I had to recount. I suppose in many ways it was almost as traumatizing...at least I felt like I had just been in a car accident after my c-section.
As I moved through the questions I realized how far I had come. I sent in my thoughts and she thanked me...then I forgot about the paper until last week. I wondered how the paper went.
She gave me the paper just days ago. I read it and was moved by her sweet words.
It is interesting the people who came out and were there for us. I didn't expect it. Maybe that sounds mean...I don't think they are terrible people...I just didn't think my heartache would have inspired so many to reach out.
Sadly I didn't know how to reach out to others in their times of need. I was scared. I didn't want to make it worse. I didn't want to say something stupid. I just didn't know what to do! So I watched painfully, but did nothing.
I suppose this was Heavenly Father's way of showing me. I'm not scared anymore. In fact quite the opposite...I have to reach out. I know the things that are frustrating now. I know what people really do not want to hear. I have learned a lot...the hard way.
I came across the song from The Band Perry, "If I die young." The lyrics are beautiful and these touched my heart as a mother who has buried a child:
"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time..."
Life is so short...especially for some. I never imagined saying goodbye as I was bringing someone into this world at the same moment. Now I am not the best about enjoying life while I have it, but I am trying to keep that perspective. I miss my kids more when they are gone from me. I love school breaks. I enjoying cuddling more than I did before. And I take on the thought of pregnancy differently now. I want to cherish it. Love the good, bad, and very ugly...for it passes like a whispered dream. I think back to my most difficult times with Declan...spotting, diabetes, and sickness with fondness. I wish I could snatch those moments back and love them. Touch my belly more. Tell him how much I loved him more in the moments he kicked. I took it for granted...I thought I would see those kicks outside of my pregnant tummy.
I look at my two children...so little in this picture. Emmy was only 2 and Bryce was just barely 5. I often think how awful it was that they had to attend their brother's funeral. Emmy has had a rough week missing Declan. More than a few times she has told me so...without any prompting from me. Look at those tiny baby curls...she was so little...but it impacted her life forever.
I know my kids will grow up with a very different perspective on life. It is short. It is meant to be cherished.
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