Okay...

My sweet Emmy, who is only 3, was playing the other day with her blanket.  She loves to pretend she has babies...even invisible ones; though she has real dolls upstairs.  She had been saying something to me and I was focused on something else.  Finally she got my attention and said, "Mommy, my baby died."

She said it over and over as she showed me her empty blanket.  I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.  I stood there just staring at her.  She went on her merry little way, but it really made it difficult to focus on much after that.

Sometimes I wonder what my kids are going to remember about these first years.  When they are older are they going to be scared to have children?  I know if I ever have another baby I will have to conceal it from them for quite some time.  I know Bryce has expressed his fear of babies dying.

So weird, when I thought about losing a baby I never really thought how it would impact my other children.  I probably should have.

It always breaks my heart when Bryce talks about babies.  He loves them and finds them so cute.  My friend's little boy would be very close to Declan's age.  Bryce loves to see him.  Sometimes it hurts to think that Declan would be here for the kids to play with, laugh with, and just enjoy.  But then I remember it wasn't meant to be and there is no use spending my life on what if's and if only's.