Loving life again...

I knew the day would come when I started to feel like a normal person.  It was inevitable, but there were times I doubted.

I thought my life would be a sum of tears and road-blocks.

Diving in the deep recesses of my heart and mind I started to sort.  What was going to help me?  Self-doubt?  Self-loathing?  Fear?  I knew what to throw out.

I reminded myself I have the right to be happy.  I was placed here to succeed, not to fall into an unclimbable abyss.

I had to take a hard look at myself and what I wanted...then love myself for it.

I had to forgive myself for all that I had to do to stay afloat...mere survival.  I had to ask my husband to forgive me for falling apart and pulling away.

Then I looked where to start.

Me.

What in the world did I want?

I had to start with the basics.

I wanted my husband...always!

How would that happen?

Love him...leaving nothing to chance.

I wasn't going to hope we survived together...I was going to fight for it every single day!

He would never wonder if I loved him...I was going to assure him each day!

I remembered how deeply I wanted to be with him before we were married.  I had received resistance from others, but it didn't stop me from knowing he was everything I wanted and what I would fight for.

So the battle began...I brought out my weapons of love.  We would make sure this marriage was as strong as I could possibly make it.  The saying giving 200% hovered over my thoughts.

What else did I want?

I want my kids to know I love them.  I want them to know how much I want them to be happy in this life. 

Patience! 

I needed to be patient with myself as a mother, but also not throw up my hands in defeat wondering if that was the best I had.... 

I know it isn't.  I have so much to learn and hunger for the knowledge of becoming the best mom I am equipped to be.

Then what?

I wanted to enjoy the little things....

Just laughing more than I don't.

Loving each day...excited what it will bring...instead of wondering how in the world I was going to get through it.

So how in the world do I do that?

I had been trying for two and half years!

I felt it was there, but a fog was keeping it just out of reach.

There is no way to do alone...in my experience.

My faith in a Savior and God is the only way.

I tried it alone.  I would fall on my face every time.

It got to the point I was on my knees sobbing to God.  Telling Him as my Father that I would not make it. 

I knew at that moment when the rush of love came...I was doing it wrong.  I needed to have a Father/daughter relationship with him.  Go to Him with everything...even things that I didn't even think to talk to him about...because I thought it was too trivial.

A fire lit inside me.

I will be stronger than I ever would or could be before.  But not because of anything I was doing, but He who makes all weak things strong if we allow Him.

It was then I realized my life was going to be good...no Great!

Declan's departure would enhance my experience here...not cloud it.

It seems silly, but starting with simplistic desires was my way back to knowing how to navigate the rest of my life.

I don't have all the answers.

I guarantee I will still fall on my face occasionally when I forget my course. 

But I do know I have a patient Heavenly Father who will never stop reminding me of the person We both want me to be and will always love me.