As I chatted with another member we both talked about how much we dislike getting new members. I don't like thinking their journey is just starting. I think of the last two years and how hard they have been and I don't want that for anyone!
As much as it hurts sometimes to see miraculous births where baby shouldn't have made it, I rather hurt thinking how much I wanted that miracle...than for them to join this terrible club.
Shortly after losing Declan, two of my friends, one who had just lost and one who had lost two years before, went out to dinner together. There we saw someone we knew. We told her we were in a club...that no one wanted to be apart of...the truth of that statement struck me hard.
I can't help feeling my heart is being ripped out again each time I hear of a new membership. Memories come back. I feel for them in this overwhelming process. I wish I could throw myself in front of the pain - since I feel I have already been shattered.
But then I think not everything that has happened was bad. It sounds strange, but as I pack up my belongings to move, I can't help think of all the sweet memories of losing Declan.
As much as there have been really awful times...there were an equal, or maybe more, amount of good times:
The closeness that resulted with my husband, Christian, and I.
The sweetness of my children always helping me through this.
The friendships I have made.
The understanding of loss to be able to comfort those around me.
Not taking life for granted the way I used to.
Seeing the amazing side of mankind. I have been the recipient of incredible selflessness of which people are capable.
Seeing when my heart broke, that as it pieced together again, it had more room in it. Declan gave me a better heart than the one I had before it shattered.
The person I am now and will be...is better. Even through all the disappointment of my progress through this...I do see how much it took to get through those awful days.
I know giving up would have been easier. But every time I look into the eyes of my children and feel the warmth of the embrace from my husband I know that was never an option.
I was told along the way, after confessing I didn't feel I was handling this well, that handling it at all is amazing. I took that home and thought about it a lot. I don't think I allowed myself to believe it until recently.
I survived. I had days where I would snuggle in bed with Emmy all day. I accomplished nothing in my house. But I kept trying each day. It took so long that I was worried that was my new reality.
It luckily wasn't.
Life is beginning again. After so many struggles that pounded on us relentlessly, I can see how life won't be ruined because Declan isn't here and we are being very blessed!
There is a piece of me that just wants to stay here in this house and not move forward. I like the sanctuary that I have here. As I laid in bed last night I thought of how so much of me was scared. I just wanted to curl up here and not go anywhere.
There is so much to do. I don't want to do all that is required to move. I don't want to say goodbye to this phase in my life...as weird as that is. But I also don't want to use this place as a security that I won't let go of when what is in front of me will be so amazing. I know I would miss out if I don't take this leap.
So I pack and when my heart hurts too much I take a break. I have time to pack, luckily. Slowly I am detaching myself from this house, trying to remember Declan's memory isn't staying here.
As I reflect on my entrance into this "club" that I didn't sign up for, I know I was blessed to be here when I joined.
The day I woke from my c-section and told that my whole life was going to change, I had no idea how much I would need these other members.
As I sat in the hospital my mind was reeling and I remember thinking specifically about two women...who would become my lifesavers. I honestly didn't know if I wanted to talk to them. When my amazing friend Kami text me and gently told me her advice and asked to come see me...I was scared. I don't know why, but I was terrified to talk to her.
I forced myself to allow her to come over. That decision was the best one I made. She lovingly told me things I wouldn't have thought of. She gave me hope that I could make it through. She offered comfort. Most importantly I could talk about things that most could not handle. I had been excepted with loving arms into this strange group. We all care for one another, but feel sad that the reason we are close is because of probably the worst thing that ever happened to them.
I remembering thinking how grateful I was for my friends, but felt bad for being grateful for them...because in someway it felt I was grateful for what they had been through...which I wasn't. I would rather their baby there, then being understood.
I know I would not have made it through this without the help of my friends! I know it wasn't an accident I was here where I was surrounded with moms in different stages of grief. I know that you will always hold a special place in my heart!
So new members, we are so sorry, but we do love you! To everyone else our arms are open, but we are praying you will never need to be apart of our heart-breaking membership.
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