Alas...I must wait.

I sat in my car waiting for traffic to die down as I had just picked my son up from school.  My eye caught on a group of people because a man was playing with a small child...probably 1 and 1/2ish old.  He held him over his head as the child looked down at him and laughed.  I have no idea what his relationship was to the child, but it was very cute.

As their group dispersed the man handed the child to a woman...whom I assume was the mother.  I only guess because she then handed the child to a little boy around my son's age...6 or 7.  (No one would do that unless they were a mother of the child)

As I watched the little boy struggle under the weight of the tiny boy (whom I guessed was his brother) my heart tugged.  I pictured Bryce with his brother as we left the school.  I'm such a control freak there's no way I would let my son carry my baby to the car, but for the sake of the moment I forgot that.  I pictured Declan being excited to see Bryce after school.  The struggle to herd three kids to the car amongst the chaos of other students and parents hurrying out of the school.  I thought of the chubby boy in my arms as his arms were wrapped around my neck as we walked to get his brother and back to the car.

My mind flooded with images that I rarely let myself think.  I have been so chaos free now that I almost don't know how I will react when and if I get my wish of another baby.  No sleep.  No downtime.  Feedings.  Baby food.  Nursing.  Crying.

I hope that it would just be fun and I would eat every second of it up...like I did with Emmy.  I just worry I am getting to used to the way things are now.  Life is easy.  I kiss my kids to bed and they go to sleep...on time and don't get out of bed - usually.  It's bliss.  Around four in the morning Emmy joins me in my bed...which I don't mind in the least.

Life would be so different right now with Declan.  In a year from this fall if I don't have another baby I won't have any kids at home during the day.  How weird is that?!  Not what I expected.

The picture I hope comes true is Emmy and Bryce each holding their brother or sister in their arms...absorbing the sweetness only babies bring.  I never pictured my life quite like this...especially when I was pregnant with Declan.  Our house feels so empty...our family so small.  I know it's because we're missing someone.  The strange thing is I wanted two kids originally.  A boy and a girl...perfect.  Now...I could see myself having two more kids.  How strange.  Life experience can alter so many ideals we concoct in our heads.  I just hope I get to actually experience having three at home.