Memories...

I went running today.  I am trying to get back into it.  It isn't easy...but very rewarding when I finish each run.

I took time to cool down and made my way to my car where I waited for Christian to finish his own run.

I don't know why, but I pulled out my CD I got in the box I received at the hospital.  I have listened to it for a few days now, but for some reason today it hurt.

I had my kids in the car with me.  We were having fun and then Christian ran passed the car commenting he needed to slow down his heart.

The sweet song that always makes me think of Declan was on and my son says, "You can die if your heart stops."

I sometimes forget that Declan's not here because his baby heart was struggling and then stopped...but right then it all came rushing back.  It stung.  I blinked back tears as my kids continued to play in the car.

When we got home I showered and got ready for my friend's birthday lunch.  As I drove there I listened to the song again.  It brought me right back to when Declan had just died.  The feelings, the pain, everything.

September is hard on me.

The closer it came the harder it has been.

I've been feeling good, but lately the loss of Declan has been so fresh in my mind.

The fall, my favorite part of year, is now overshadowed by sad memories:

I was hugging Emmy and suddenly my perfume smelled different than it usually did and my mind traveled back to my guest room.  My mom's perfume.  The ceiling fan breezed the scent by me as I sat on my computer making Declan's funeral program.  I spent hours making videos, programs, blog posts, until my feet were so swollen I could hardly walk.

That room smelled like her perfume for weeks after she left.  Every time I walked in there it reminded me of Declan somehow.  Now when I smell her perfume...I'm there.  My poor mom trying to help out...not knowing how to help a broken-hearted family.  She took so much time with us.  Cleaning.  Cooking.  Watching kids.  It was a strange time...but also a good time.

I spent a lot of time in my loft.  I hung Declan's huge 16 X 20 frame in there.  I looked over every piece of the picture.  His baby double-chin, this lips, those cute cheeks, his tiny hand that clutched the smallest bear I had ever seen, and that little nose...


I would sit in his rocking chair since that was the only place that felt good to my swollen feet and c-section incision.  When I bought that chair I always pictured I would hold Declan in it...not sit and cry for him.

I remember the way I cried...it sounded so foreign to my ears.  I had never cried in that way before...or since.  It would catch me off guard as I sobbed and I would cover my mouth so I didn't have to hear it any more.

My sweet kids that had no idea what to think.  I remember Bryce waking in the middle of the night screaming for Christian.  I didn't expect that...probably since everyone told me how resilient children are...it's a lie.

My soon-to-be friend, who was only 6 weeks ahead of me in the grief of her own baby, standing on my porch talking to my mom as I drove up from an errand.  A bouquet of beautiful roses in her arms and her daughter by her side.  I only understand now how hard that must have been to her...having watched it happened since my own loss.

People showed up on my doorstep...so many I couldn't believe.  People I didn't even know that brought us dinner.  I had a garden of flowers inside my home...which I loved.  But was sad when I came home from the funeral and they were all dead.  My mom was good to dispose of them quickly.

Sitting down in my kitchen talking to a friend that had lost her son two years before Declan.  Her kindness.  The hope she gave me.  The understanding that I needed.  She let me talk about everything I thought and felt...and didn't cringe or look uncomfortable.

Going on walks with a friend who just lost her dad weeks before Declan.  Feeling that maybe Declan's tiny life had given an amazing gift of friends in a way that I had never known before.

Clutching Declan's blanket as I sobbed on my bed.  Laying in bed with it always covering my arms and pulling it up to my chin.

All these memories played through my mind all day.  I didn't expect the first day of September to hit me so hard.