A new year...

I have spent more than enough time thinking and processing everything that has happened over the last year.  I know I was way too hard on myself.  I think we hurry ourselves through grief for other people.  We don't want to be the sad person in others lives.

So we push ourselves to feel better faster.  I was really discouraged that I was still having a hard time - even at Christmas.

Since I've been feeling a lot better I realized there was no hurry.  I shouldn't be embarrassed that I wanted to cuddle with my 3 year old in my bed and just watch movies.

Sometimes surviving is all we can do...and honestly I think it's okay.

There will be a day when surviving turns into thriving...hopefully for the sake of the person it will be sooner than later, but there's no hurry.

It's interesting listening to people with fresh grief and to hear them have to go over and over the events and the "what ifs" is part of the process.

I am grateful I had people who would listen to me...didn't try to hurry me up or tell me to just let it go already!  They loved me and patiently let me process the horrific events over and over.

You have to rule out everything so that blame will not be placed on anyone.

My doctor sat down in my hospital room and told me that I probably would blame him one day.  At the time I thought no I'm just sad.  Now I realize that he didn't know me very well because I did blame someone...but it wasn't him...it was me.

As a mom I couldn't help but think that something I did caused this terrible thing to happen...I was responsible; the very life source for the sweet baby...how could I not blame myself.

It just recently occurred to me that I was blaming myself.  I honestly thought I had let it go in that way...but then thoughts would creep up..."What if..."  "Did I..."  "If I had just..."  and so on.

I never told anyone because I knew what they would say..."It's not your fault at all!" and then brush it away.  But the feelings were there and very real.  I couldn't just tell myself that everything was supposed to be that way and then just move passed it.  I had to dig deep...and I still am.

In my head I know that I wasn't at fault...but my heart is another story.  It is as if my heart in pain and anguish was lashing out at me, "You could have done something keep him here!"


I know it may sound absurd but I think I have to forgive myself.  Maybe I'm not at fault but the guilt is real...and I have to let it go.

I think I am finally beginning the new process of letting myself off the hook.  I wasn't in control any more than my husband or the doctor.  I had done all I could and if he were meant to be here he would be...no matter what.

That's a hard pill to swallow.

I don't give out advice often...at least I don't feel I do...but if I could share one thing I have learned on my journey with anyone, especially mom's that lose their babies, it would be this...

Don't feel that you have to rush through any of your grief...the hospital, the funeral, the goodbyes, and the time to heal.  People around you are trying to help, but they want you all better in a matter of minutes and in doing so rush you through everything.  Yes plans have to be made, but your feelings matter.  You just lost someone so precious...

I really want hospitals to be better educated about losing babies.  They have come a long way, but there is still a lot they can do.  Many of my friends that have lost babies have told me stories that make me cringe...I was lucky because it was a c-section and they were trying to save him.  But for those who lose their babies quietly and must deliver these sweet babies, it can be horrible if the staff don't understand.

Picking out funeral homes while you are in labor isn't okay to make you do.  Nor is it to treat you as though you are a burden on the staff or other patients.  You delivered a baby too...if anyone on that floor should get special treatment it's you...not the lady down the hall cuddling her sweet baby to take home in a few days.

I know that the staff grieve too and they just want to feel better and maybe having the lady who lost her baby leave helps them feel better, but if they could remember that these are the moments with their baby they will carry with them the rest of their lives and if the staff isn't helpful it is soiled by that...

Time.  That's all a person grieving needs.  Time to cry, time to laugh, time to think, time to feel everything they are meant to, time to talk, time to heal, and time to reflect on their journey.

Thank you to everyone who has listened to me time and time again repeat my thoughts and feelings...usually coming to the same conclusion over and over.  It has been very helpful to me and my family.

Thank you for support for my blankets.  I really wanted to reach out, but was unable to on my own.  It was an amazing way to spent Declan's birthday!