Butterflies...

I have been away from the blogging world for quite a long time.  After getting super sick with this baby, I just haven't had the energy to get on the computer much.

Life has not been easy by any means.  I am very blessed that this baby has been able to stick with me through so much.  I am not sure how he is still here with the mess that is me.

This pregnancy has given me so much.  I have felt a peace with Declan's passing I wasn't expecting.  But I also have tapped into the anxiety of how hard doctor's appointments are for me.

A month ago I had an appointment and completely broke down during it.  My current doctor delivered Emmy, but didn't deliver Declan.  He forgets what happened to me.  I have to remind him, which is hard, but I do understand he has a lot of patients.

Even though I am going to a completely different office and nothing is remotely the same, I can't help feeling the nervousness.  I was a wreck the rest of the night after my appointment.  The next day I was bawling all day and couldn't stop.  As I draw near to birth of this baby, I worry.

What if it happens again?  How will I do it again?  How am I going to do all these appointments?!

I am now doing weekly appointments starting at 32 weeks.  My doctor is trying to take every precaution...which I appreciate.  But that means walking through that door every week praying that his heartbeat won't sound like a hummingbird...like Declan's.

I also have non-stress test appointments every week starting 32 weeks.  So that's two appointments a week...yikes!

It is completely worth it.  I've done this before with Emmy.  So I know I can get through, but I am so nervous I can't breathe some days.

I don't want to rush this pregnancy.  I want to enjoy it, but I have gestational diabetes and that just makes this all so complicated.

So much of me wants February to be here.  I almost feel as though I've been holding my breath for weeks.  Thanksgiving was fine, but I found myself relieved it was over.  I worry Christmas will be that way for me too.  I just want to know.  Will he come home with me?  Or will my heart shatter again?

I cried in the car yesterday telling Christian that I can't turn it off.  I can't be reasonable about this...love isn't reasonable.  I can't just stop caring about him.  I am attached...I dream of holding him and looking into his baby eyes.  I imagine resting my cheek against his as I inhale his amazing baby scent.  I can't help worrying that will be taken.

Every time I worry I haven't felt him move much, I stick my hand on my tummy and he starts to kick...as though he is telling me, "I'm still here!"

He finds my hand wherever I rest in on my pregnant belly.  I have never had a baby do that before.  I feel he is trying so hard to reassure me.

I know I will make it through this.  I know I will be so grateful for every moment I have with him.  I know that even though my pregnancies are super rough they are worth it...even with Declan.

I am very blessed to have two living children.  I will be very blessed to have a third living child.  I am even blessed to have an angel baby.