Merry Christmas...

I was very overwhelmed...and though it isn't an excuse I didn't get to the hospital to donate another blanket.

I have thought a lot about how it would be to lose a precious little one right around Christmas.  Christmas is hard enough for me the way it happened.  If I had lost Declan around Christmas...I don't know.

I was grateful for the holidays this year.  It wasn't as heartbreaking.  I happened to find a little stocking that had a D on it and placed it with my other kid's stockings on the couch one Santa came.  I felt like he was here somehow...or at least included.

Emmy on Christmas Eve

I hope all those having a hard time had a great Christmas!  This season can be magical and wonderful, but very heart-wrenching and lonely too.  I have dabbled both extremes lately.  I loved being with my kids today...but my heart was longing...and now that everything is over and the presents are all put away I have a bit of sadness in my heart.  I don't know if it is because of Declan or that I feel a little nostalgic to be with my sisters and parents right now.  In the 3 years I have lived away from family this is the first time I miss being there for Christmas really bad!  I'm not sure why.  Maybe I just miss the way things were before my life was flipped upside-down.  Or maybe I just have a hole in my heart and I am trying to fill it...

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!