Goodbye...

I have never felt pain so acutely as I did the day I said goodbye to Declan.  The memory pops into my head at unexpected times.  The unstoppable tears, the hopelessness, and the sheer agony of my baby wheeled away from me are never to be forgotten.

Though I have hope and the pain isn't ripping through me the way it did that day, those memories are engraved on my heart.

No one can plan or be ready to say goodbye to the little one that is supposed to be your bundle of joy to bring home.  It is indescribable.  The way my heart did not beat regularly afterward, the way it hurt to breathe, the endless tears that will not dry, or the way your soul feels tugging that might rip you in two...

Those are just words...the feelings are so much more painful.

My goodbye to Declan replays in my mind more often than I would like.  It isn't a pleasant experience and not that I want to forget, but I would rather not be slapped by it so frequently.  It almost takes my breath away.

In some ways I cherish the time I had with him.  Holding him it felt just like my other children.  He was soft, perfect, and looked as if he were napping.  I half expected him to start crying at any minute...but then reality would hit and I had to remind myself, "No, Christy, he's gone."

Then the pain would well up in my heart and I would mourn all over again.

He was so beautiful.  The tiny replica of my older son.

I wish no one else had to go through this pain, but I know that is a fruitless hope...it happens more often than I ever knew.

I am so grateful for Declan.  I would never wish to be spared this if he could only be in my life this way.  But I long to snuggle and cuddle.  I want to kiss his chubby cheeks and watch his baby eyes recognize his mommy.  I want him to hold his arms out just for me.  To feel his warm body snuggled close.

For now I will just have to cuddle the sweet children I have with me.